What is Love?
by Mystic Dragon4
Summary: An Akito POV introspective fic. Akito ponders the meaning of love in his life and his own impending death. First time messing with Akito's head, maybe some OOC-ness. Please review!


What is Love?  
  
Author: Crystal  
  
Disclaimer: Fruits basket is copyrighted to Takaya Natsuki.  
  
Rating: PG, contains shounen ai.  
  
Pairing: Inplied akitoxyuki, kyou+tohru, yuki+tohru  
  
A/N: This is my first time writing from akito's POV, it was  
  
unexpected and hopefully not too OOC. ^^; I might actually write more  
  
of this fic. Please remember to tell me what you think! Good or bad.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
What is love? I've heard that this is a question that many people do  
  
not know the answer to, yet would give everything to know.  
  
I don't know what it is, I never had a pure unadulterated taste of  
  
it. Maybe they'll tell me that I am the only one they will be loyal  
  
to, the only one to own them. But is their concern for my welfare an  
  
indirect means of ensuring their own? If I was hurt on any of their  
  
watches, heads would roll. It's a figure of speech but not too far  
  
from the truth. Not that I care too much for their fates. "Please  
  
don't go outside anymore, you are much too weak." "Remember, no  
  
strenuous activities, or he may suffer a relapse. His condition is  
  
not likely to improve when he gets older, it is a known affliction  
  
his predecessors also had and would most likely worsen in time..."  
  
I hold the fates of multiple others in my hands; nothing is allowed  
  
to happen to me... Exhaustion and bouts of sickness plague me quite  
  
often.  
  
From then on I can only look out from the barred windows of my dark  
  
lonely room at the world outside. It seems ever so bright, the bright  
  
glowing colours of autumn leaves, red, orange and gold. So pretty...  
  
Such a beautiful forest it seems so out of place in the dark world of  
  
the Sohma clan. In my untried and inexperienced way I loved the  
  
autumn, to others it may seem like a dead or dying season, only a  
  
filler until winter and then spring. But it seems to represent every  
  
moment of my life. I was born to die. This should be the season in  
  
which I was born, because in a short time it will be winter and my  
  
body will retreat silently into passivity, no longer undertaking the  
  
normal activities that lends it the ability to move and respire.  
  
No more the painful efforts to live day by day as if I have decades  
  
of life left. No, I am not that privileged. Any who would say I am  
  
are fools concerned with only the unimportant filigree of life.  
  
Useless décor that fails to hide the rotting and veined heartwood  
  
underneath. In the end none of that can be brought into the  
  
otherworld with one into death. All materialistic treasures are left  
  
behind when one reaches the grave. Even spiritual attachments may not  
  
breech the cold void of death. Futile thoughts for one who has formed  
  
none. If by chance some of those who serve me entertain emotions for  
  
me other than glee and guilty eagerness to see me grow weaker by the  
  
day, none would voluntarily come to quench my loneliness. Not even to  
  
my dying day.  
  
I will not try to fool myself. I only care for one person to do so.  
  
And it shall not happen the way I want it. He would only ever look at  
  
me with cold indifference, it would be his duty for I will call him  
  
to my bedside. He will look down on me with pity and guilt for ever  
  
wishing this upon me. Then once I leave this world, I and all my love  
  
will be a closed chapter of his life, then for him it will be a new  
  
beginning. While my body will be cool and still as the tomb enclosing  
  
the remains of the cursed cat, his life will go on. A new victim of  
  
this nightmare curse will be chosen.  
  
I will have lived my life knowing only the bitterness of an  
  
unrequited love. To have loved and lost... but I have never been loved  
  
in turn. To say the truth the love I hold for this person is  
  
following my body into decline. I know it cannot be. Yet I cannot let  
  
him forget me so easily. I cannot let them forget me. It is my  
  
greatest fear, that I will be one of countless deceased leaders of  
  
this clan. When they look back on me they will see madness, but in  
  
death all will seem to be forgiven. Memory of my short pitiful life  
  
will be forgotten. I will not have made an impact in this frigid  
  
world at all.  
  
Do I need to be more cruel and fan their fear and hatred? Will I be  
  
remembered then? The purpose of my life was to take the bunt of  
  
theirs. The exalted position I claim is such a mockery of the reality  
  
of my situation. I am a caged bird. All the authority I wield is  
  
behind the bars of the prison made by the curse and the conditions  
  
that came with being clan head. Such a prestigious position I hold in  
  
life. But are not all equal in death? Then what will I be with none  
  
of these titles bestowed upon me? Will I not be less than those other  
  
estranged souls? I have accomplished nothing in my life, given raise  
  
to nothing but fear and destruction. No other soul will be mourning  
  
me on the land I leave behind, as will be the case for others who  
  
have died.  
  
Even as the cat will undoubtedly- for I will make it so- be  
  
imprisoned in the cell vacated by the previous cat, I am the one who  
  
has been entrapped all his life. The cell of my body will drag me  
  
down into endless slumber. I cannot let go of that thought. Humans  
  
are endlessly fascinated with the concept of death. I do not know if  
  
I should be counted as human though. I am the kami of the jyuunishi  
  
after all.  
  
In the end the joy I wish I could have experienced is going to haunt  
  
me unto my last breath. The loneliness will choke me and maybe that  
  
will be the hell I will be dragged into.  
  
Even with all the comforts bestowed on me, the only other person  
  
whose life mine is comparable to, is that of the most despised member  
  
of my clan. Strangely there is a balance. In this clan I own  
  
everything and everyone, the one who should suffer the most, does,  
  
but I know he does laugh and smile if only to that annoying, meddling  
  
girl. I am supposed to have everything, and he nothing. But if one  
  
takes out a scale measuring the fortunes and misfortunes of both our  
  
lives, I'd imagine we would come out equal. The misery fated for me  
  
is much the same as his. I will not let him get away from it either.  
  
I will not be alone in my misery, I will drag him down with me. It  
  
should be as a favor to him, no one would miss him much. At this  
  
thought I am strangely pacified. I will not be the only one to be led  
  
to such a lonely, pointless fate. I will not be alone.  
  
The head and the cat of the clan are much the same.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
At first the fic started out from Kyou's POV then it just suddenly  
  
seemed more appropriate as Akito. ^^ So i wrote from Akito's POV from  
  
then on. If i continue this fic then it will be shounen ai at least.  
  
[And of course kyou will be included in the main pairings..]  
  
That last sentence sounds funny.. .  
  
Please remember to R&R! 


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